On Monday, a federal appeals court ruled that the US doesn’t have to legalize marijuana just because some guy in New Jersey said so. This sounds like a random thing for a federal court to be ruling on. But citizen Jeffrey Nathan Schirripa had been waiting on this decision. Or, rather, he’d been waiting for the opposite decision: by now, if all went according to plan, the US government would be putty in his hands. They would be forced to cede to his demands. It was a plan he’d first hatched years ago, after the government denied one of his other petitions. He drew a complex flow chart, which included several official legal words. In 2015, he mailed 18 samples of pot to the Justice Department. Now he had them cornered. By receiving pot in the mail, Schirripa explains, the government had entered into an implied “contract” with him. Then he filed suit in the U.S. Court of Federal Claims. His claim? The government had breached their implied contract with him, by keeping pot illegal. He mailed some more “neuroprotecting antioxidants” to the federal court as well, so they’d really be forced to surrender. This is genius. I’m going to send a urine sample to Russia, and then sue Putin for the pee tape. I’ve already faxed all my 1099s to Congress, so they’ll be forced to subpoena Trump’s tax returns for me. Somehow, so far, the federal government fails to understand this airtight logic. The judges claim that because Schirripa used an obscure Confederate-era statute as the basis of his argument, it doesn’t make any sense. But that’s never stopped this entrepreneur before. In 2015, he submitted a filing with the FDA, claiming cannabinoids as an ingredient in a new supplement called “Neuroprotective Antioxidants.” An attorney who specializes in FDA regulations reviewed the filing, and told Natural Products Insider it was “one of the most absurd NDI submissions I’ve ever seen.” That attorney hadn't yet seen this flow chart. The flow chart was included in Schirripa’s petition for a hearing with the federal court. Itsflawless logic was lost on the federal judges, who declared that the illegal substance they’d received would be sent to another agency for proper disposal — “or alternate action within the purview of the U.S. Department of Justice.” Uh oh. Schirripa may need another flow chart — and all the Neuroprotective Antioxidants he can get.